[Breakfast: pumpkin pie]

A month ago, I noticed a pair of Crocs on a woman at an ATM machine. I was stunned that a grown woman was wearing pajama pants out, but then I noticed what was on her feet. Why the fuck was she wearing day-glo gardening shoes? Weeks later I saw the same shoes for sale in a health food store and realized that these hideous things (I don’t want to call them shoes, because they are like plastic toys) had a name: Crocs. I’ve had limited Croc sightings, but the damage has been done. These things are worse than Birkenstocks, Mukluks and the overexposed, fugly Ugg boots. In fact, I would welcome an Ugg boot sighting if it saved me from a Croc exposure. I know that they kind of cancel each other out, but whatever. The Croc web site states who the shoes were originally intended for:

Nurses, chefs, boaters- anyone that wants a pair of comfortable shoes. Fashionistas love the bold colors and the unique design is an expression of individuality. Kids of all ages love the feeling of walking on marshmallows. People with troubled feet and knees relish the comfortable support and ergonomic benefits. Beach goers and travelers enjoy the easy on-off and versatile wearing styles...

Everything makes sense in that description except for that fashionista line—clearly an afterthought. Note to Croc inventors: These shoes will never be featured in Vogue magazine, so they are not for the fashion forward. There’s also talk of celebrities wearing Crocs—WTF?? I know a lot of celebrities have bad taste, but what A-listers would wear them.

… They made an appearance on Adam Sandler’s feet this spring at the premiere of The Longest Yard. Faith Hill raved about them in an interview for Country Music Television. Matt Damon sent a handwritten note to the company reading "Crocs rock." Thanks in part to such gratis endorsements, Colorado-based manufacturer Crocs Inc. has sold 2.1 million pairs in the first half of this year.

---Los Angeles Magazine, Nov 1, 2005

Hmm…let me know when Madonna or Tom Cruise starts wearing them. The last Croc sighting I had was on Sunday evening. My neighbor was walking his dog in them. Even though his pair was black, they were still deeply offensive. But this got me thinking. The only truly appropriate time to wear Crocs is when you’re walking your dog in a field because it would be tres easy to wash dog shit off of them.