Breakfast At Tiffany's




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You Know You've Gone Hollywood When You...

Part of: Hollywood , LA

[Breakfast: a slice of leftover pizza]

-Drive a Mercedes SLK

-Have a Hummer/SUV with a “no war for oil” bumper sticker

-Live in a plantationesque house with fountains in Bel Air

-Initiate loud name-dropping cell-phone conversations at THE IVY, etc.

-"Do" lunch instead of "have" lunch.

-Have a power lunch

-Wear a uniform of designer jeans, t-shirts, $400 sunglasses and highlighted hair

-Send your assistant to Starbucks/Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf to pick up your half-decaf/nonfat-soy/sugar-free/double-foam cafe mocha with a shot of expresso and caramel. Send your assistant back, because there isn’t enough foam

-Go through new assistants monthly

-Have your assistant buy all your personal gifts

-Make your receptionist get you drugs (from their drug dealer) during his/her lunch break

-Have your shrink, colonics person, and massage therapist critique the script you are producing

-Send your kids to the shrink du jour to learn therapy speak

-Think Botox is a panacea

-Say you had a deviated septum when asked why your nose is three inches smaller

-Adopt so you won’t ruin your figure

-Say you are an "independent producer" when asked what you do

-Talk your friend into writing a filmic novel

-Go to the Kabbalah Center or Agape to network

-Pretend to be sober around people on-the-wagon. There is that fabulous AA meeting in Hollywood, after all.

-Only associate with celebrities

-Air kiss VIPs that you HATE

- Eat at restaurants where you loathe the food, but want to be "seen"

-Tell reporters you are skinny because of your fast metabolism, cocaine habit

-Spend your vacation going to Promises ($14,000 for a 2 week minimum) rehab center in Malibu.

-Have a life coach

-Go to yoga in full-makeup and hair

-Fuck your yoga teacher

-Wear a 4 karat+ ring to the gym

-Pay $140 a month to workout at Sports Club L.A., plus an additional $75 a session with a personal trainer

-Hire a publicist

-When you're 34, hire a publicist to finally get you onto the Hollywood Reporter's 35-and-under "Next Generation" list

-Only read “The Hollywood Reporter” and “Variety

-Think "Us" magazine is a news publication and “Access Hollywood” is news

- Believe "The Real World" is the real world.

-Can’t remember the last time you had a friend who would bail you out of jail. Managers and agents don’t count.

-Threaten people constantly with defamation of character lawsuits

-Say you are “in the business,” when asked what you do

(originally published on


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