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Jessica Simpson: "I hung out with John Mayer because daddy said it would help my image."

John Mayer: "Jessica is totally boring like me, but is good eye candy. My publicist said we should be seen together again. It makes me seem less boring and people remember that I exist."

Wilmer Valderrama: "I latched onto Mandy Moore so I could get laid."

Mandy Moore: "I hung out with Wilmer for the attention--we used to date-- and because we have so much in common. Fuck it, the real reason was that I wanted to have ex-sex."

Joel Madden: "Huh?"

Nicole Richie: "I got totally wasted."

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Britney Spears: "All I know is that I barfed a lot--like, alot alot."

Christina Aquilera: "I looked fierce at all times."

Hilary Duff: "I tried to forget about Joel and that stupid bitch Nicole. I'm a million times prettier than her."

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Lindsay Lohan: "I stuffed my face and drank red bull since I'm trying to stay sober. Oh, and I put a belt around my slip and wore it out because I was feeling fat."