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Why Allen Ginsburg was Jealous of Me--I Swear!

Part of: Literati , Seinfeld-esque

* I apologize for my lack of editing on this piece. I wanted to get it up today,like I promised. I've said before that my pieces here are not perfectly edited. I already spend too much time editing my non-blog stuff.

(Not all real names are used in the following story.)

I saw comedy at The Improv on Melrose a couple of weeks back. One comic was saying, “You know how guys never talk about other guys being hot? Well, I was watching Cold Mountain and that Jude Law is a very good looking man. If I were going to…”

Later when I saw the comic out in the bar, I told him, “Hey, I love a man who can appreciate the beauty of another man.” He cracked up.

Yeah, I was thinking maybe I have a problem. Is that a cool thing, or am I setting myself up for marrying a bisexual or gay man? I don’t really get the bisexual thing, though it seems to be an evolved state of being. I always wonder if a lot of these people are bi to be trendy or because they’ve been sexually abused. I don’t meet many people over thirty who are bi. I’ve always had a mild paranoia that I would marry a gay man.

I remember when an ex of mine once called me from a West Hollywood phone booth (yes, this was quite a while back) he said, “Help!!! Guys are cat calling me left and right!” Gabriel didn’t seem gay, but later when I visited him in San Francisco and he was off-the-wagon I was like, “And you’re definitely not gay, right?” He gave me a look, “Do you really think I’m gay?” I felt silly. I would be pissed if someone was questioning my sexuality. “No,” I said in a small voice.

I met Ricky Martin when I was working at Columbia Records in NYC. I was instantly enamored with him. I had finally understood how some people could put stars on pedestals. I had always thought that Ricky was good looking, but in the flesh he is the most charismatic person I’ve ever met. He’s not only gorgeous with a totally androgynous vibe (you know I like that) but he’s an evolved being. Ricky gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek. I know I was blushing. Ricky was definitely gay, not bi. I would’ve had sex with him in a second and respected him in the morning.

I’ve only had one other gay man crush as an adult, and this was on one of my managers at Rizzoli’s bookstore in Santa Monica (when it still existed). I was 22, and Dave Ehrlich was just so sweet and had the best taste in music and books. He also introduced me to the work of David Sedaris, now one of my favorite contemporary writers. Why couldn’t I find a guy like him? His phone number advertised that he was definitely gay--***-DICK.

My first experience having a crush on a gay man was with my third cousin Danny. I was very young; probably five or six, and from then on I always wanted to go to a family functions just to see him. I’d feel self-conscious around him; because I felt like he could tell I liked him. I knew nothing could happen between us, because we were related. Later on Danny worked as a model and tennis pro. The last time we met up, I found out he was gay. We got along famously, though I never admitted to my younger crush.

In college, in Colorado, my straight roommate, Rick, let his old frat buddy, Trevor move in with us. I was pissed at Rick for letting Trevor move in without my permission and not pay anything. However, Trevor ended up being very cool-- despite having a long-haired cat and taking over our living room for more than a few weeks. He was well-mannered and cleaned our apartment for us.

I finally decided that I wanted to move out and was trying to find someone to rent my room. I was going through a service and they had asked me if Rick would mind a gay roommate. I didn’t know and asked Trevor what he thought when I got home.

“Yeah, I don’t think so,” said Trevor with a smirk.

Sure enough Rick told me he didn’t want to live with anyone gay.

A few days later I was at a party, and for some reason Trevor came up in a conversation with one of my gay college friends, J. He informed me that Trevor ran with his gay group of Denver friends. Not only was Trevor gay, but he had dated my friend! I was not going to tell Rick.

I looked J in the eyes, “Are you positive he isn’t bisexual?”

I only said this because Trevor had commented on how hot one of my friends was.

“Yes, he is definitely 100% gay,” said J.

After the outing, I became fixated on Trevor revealing his gayness to me. One night I went out to a mostly gay club with Trevor. I talked about my gay friend I was going to visit in San Francisco, thinking that maybe Trevor would admit he was gay to me if he knew I had a gay friend. My desired outcome was not achieved.

A few weeks later I invited Trevor to one of my summer Writing and Poetics workshop events. Somehow Allen Ginsburg zeroed in on Trevor. The next thing I knew we’re walking Allen to his temporary apartment. I asked Allen which literary women he respected and was peeved when he only said Anne Waldman. Anne Walden and Allen had created the writing program at my college. Allen came back every summer to teach a workshop, where as Anne was on staff. We hung out for a bit at his temporary apartment. He offered to make us dinner, which we politely declined. . Shortly after this, Trevor moved into his old frat house and said he wanted to make me dinner. I knew that wasn’t going to happen. Last I heard Trevor was living in San Francisco and had a girlfriend. Man, talk about leading double lives.

A week later-- that summer-- I started hanging out all the time with the very talented Geoff Manaugh. Allen basically thought he was one of the most talented poets ever, and he wasn’t hard on the eyes. Geoff and I share the same exact birth year and day. Allen saw us together so often, that I swear he started glaring at me.

Of course, I have other stories, but this post is already long enough. I’ve even had gay men flirt with my dates. Now I’m at the point where I would be bothered if gay men didn’t find my boyfriend du jours attractive.


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