Breakfast At Tiffany's




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How to Write a Non-Fan Letter

Part of: Literati , Rant

Breakfast: 1/2 bagel with cream cheese, lox, red onion and coffee with hazelnut creamer

Don’t write at the end of your letter, “All snarkiness aside…” and then write what you really wanted to say.

Do be fake, cliché or real.

Don’t accuse a writer of being a poor speller, etc. if you are illiterate and babble incoherently yourself.

Do proofread and copy edit your letter.

Don’t try and write a certain way to be unidentifiable and use an alias. You are probably not a good writer and don’t have a recognizable voice, so don’t
flatter yourself into thinking that someone will know it’s you.

Do be logical and unemotional.

Don’t write the letter if you’re mentally ill or on drugs.

Do have someone else compose the letter for you.

Don’t be catty or attack someone’s looks. This just makes you look jealous and unhappy.

Do use specific examples of why you are a non-fan. Remember when you were in school and had to write essays? Follow that structure.

Don’t be like 99% of non-fan letter writers and use no name or an alias. You’ll come off as a wimp with no balls. Plus, if you don’t use your real name, you obviously have doubts about whether what you are saying is true.

Do be authentic.

Don’t accuse someone of being too commercial and/or compare their writing to successful books or movies. Your non-fan letter will come off as a fan letter.

Do compare said writer to an unsuccessful famous person—Wait-- that’s an oxymoron!

Don’t make up things in your letter.

Do use known facts.

Note: Richard Rushfield of Vanity Fair and LA Innuendo told me a while back that I should bask in any non-fan letter/comments I receive. I thought about writing this non-fan post a week ago. RR gave me a copy of the current LA Innuendo last week (I really wanted his Hampshire College sweatshirt) I was reading the "Letters" page of LA Innuendo today which reminded me of this post I wanted to do. I wondered if Richard had made up the non-fan letters but then remembered that I have been pretty floored by some of the non-fan letters I've received. Let's just say that truth is often stranger than fiction.


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