B.A.T.: Greg, what's your favorite breakfast?

Mind? To disclose my favorite repast would be an honor beyond reckoning. Eggs benedict and an orange mimosa.
(Favorite, right? 'Cause usually it's a cup of coffee and 5 tasty voice mails from dumb people.) Yr obedient servant etc etc

Cruise Control

by
Greg Howard

I liked the movie Collateral, and I particularly liked Tom Cruise's performance. This is unusual because I generally hate the guy. But this time he played a villain. And I've known all along that Tom Cruise is a villain.

He struts and sneers and flashes his tightly wound grin at the camera. Women melt and guys applaud. I stare at his high cheekbones, his perfect hair, and I want to put a crowbar between his eyes.

I remember being in junior high and seeing Losing It on the video stands. It was about Cruise losing his virginity to Shelley Long. I hadn't even lost my wallet at that point.

I ran into Tom Cruise and his girlfriend, which at the time was Molly Ringwald. I said, "Stop making movies that make me feel inadequate."

Tom Cruise said, "If I hadn't just signed a major contract to be in a movie called Risky Business, I'd pound you into the cement right now."

Molly Ringwald said, "Do you want to see me apply my lipstick using only my breasts?"

Years later, Top Gun came out on video. I tried to fool around with my girlfriend, but she said, "Go away. I want to rewatch the scene where they're playing shirtless volleyball."

I ran into Tom Cruise and his wife, which at the time was Mimi Rogers. I said, "You can't play volleyball because you're 5 feet tall. Stop using special effects to make yourself look cool."

Tom Cruise said, "If I hadn't just signed a major contract to be in a movie called Cocktail, I'd give you two fat lips."

Mimi Rogers said, "I don't think Tom will ever leave me for a younger, prettier actress."

Years later, The Firm came out. I ran into Tom Cruise and his wife, which at the time was Nicole Kidman. I said, "I'm a poor graduate student. Stop making movies about rich people and high-powered careers because it annoys me."

Tom Cruise said, "If I hadn't just signed a major contract to be in a movie called Mission Impossible, I'd give you a bloody nose."

Nicole Kidman said, "One day I'll be a respected actress and people won't remember me for movies like Days of Thunder.

I said, "Nicole, of all the things I've heard from Tom's women over the years, that has to be dumbest."

But things have changed. Now Tom has made Collateral, in which he plays a hitman. It's only a matter of time until he's revealed as the evil little man that he truly is.

And I'm not alone in my crusade. Just the other day, I visited some of the other enlistees in my army--Molly, Mimi, and Nicole.

Nicole said, "By deliberately shedding his good guy persona, he's started on a path that will ultimately expose his web of lies."

Mimi said, "People will be amazed when they find out the truth."

Molly said, "Do you want to see me apply my lipstick using only my breasts?"