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Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Stiff

Part of: Hollywood

[Breakfast: a handful of chocolate raisins, a mini Babybel, and a latte]

I went to the Hollywood Foreign Press screening* for Star Wars Episode III last night. No, I’m not an obsessive Star Wars fan—those people are freaks (except for DK and children). The last Star Wars movie was beyond boring, but I have a soft spot for Star Wars. Every little girl wanted to be Princess Leia. (I wonder if they still do?) My friend and I arrived at the theatre early, but there was already a line. Instead of dining at a fine Westwood establishment, we decided to grab a bite at the office deli by the theatre. There seemed to be a few freaky adult fans looking to crash the screening. We walked past some guy in a green chair at the front of the line—WTF? (I wonder if he’s the same guy who comes to Barnes and Noble in Santa Monica.) I tried to keep a straight face. It was good that we were getting food. The turkey sandwich from the deli was on the largest croissant I had ever seen. It’s good to distract yourself with food when you have to wait in line for an hour. We did get great seats in the small theatre, though.

While I was waiting for my friend to come back with her popcorn, I noticed a man who resembled Warren Beatty with four children. Three of the children had on designer clothes, so I figured the father had to be an actor or a big studio exec. When the kids turned around, I realized they were in Star Wars costumes—how cute! I was kind of staring at Beatty. Was he really that old? He introduced himself to some of the publicists. It indeed was Mr. Beatty. I wanted to ask him if he was ever going to contribute to The Huffington Post, but more importantly I wanted to know what it was like living with I-love-myself-to-death-and-I’m-always-playing-a role Annette Bening. Beatty seemed very laid back and unassuming-- all the better to let Bening take center stage.

I watched as an older man grabbed Beatty’s hand, forcing him to stand up. As he was saying goodbye, the man patted pounded him on the back. No, this older man was not a friend or even an acquaintance of Beatty. That wasn’t bad compared to the long-haired guy in a red button down shirt and two different style sneakers who was sitting in front of Beatty. No, this guy wasn’t an actor or anything. He was probably a really dorky writer. He was sitting next to his friend with a red shirt-I guess they wanted to make sure that they wouldn’t lose each other. Wait, no he wasn’t sitting next to his friend! He sat in the aisle seat and situated himself so he was taking up two seats and was turned so he was directly in Mr. Beatty’s face. He talked to Beatty and made small talk with his kids. Meanwhile his coke was leaking at a precarious angle from his ass bumping into it. By now, my friend was watching this trainwreck, "If that spills, it’s going to splash all over Warren Beatty's shoes." Just before the movie started, the dork finally turned around, and a publicist sat down next to him clueless to what had just transpired during the last 20 minutes.

I’m not going to spoil the movie for anyone, but I’ll give you a few thoughts:

Yoda is way Buddhist in his Yodaisms. Example: Attachment creates jealousy. Hayden Christiansen still can’t act, and I don’t think he’s all that hot. Natalie Portman wears two different gray evening dresses that also double as lingerie. Gray is so not her color. The humor during the first act makes you think that the film is a Star Wars parody until the film takes a dark turn and never looks back. The Sith are right-wingers—they are evil and must be stopped. The battles are way cool. Again, I’ve been inspired to take up fencing as a hobby if I’m ever super-rich and bored. The end of the movie could’ve been beefed up a bit. All in all the film was entertaining, though I was restless at times.

When I got home, DK tied me up and gagged me so I wouldn't tell him about the film or that's what he said at the time. Today I found out that he already knew the major plot points. Movie geeks have all these sites where they can geek out on spoilers, etc. I'm going to get back at DK tonight, that's for sure-someone will have a very stiff ass tomorrow.

* Too bad I didn't bump into the lovely Emmanuelle.


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