Breakfast: a red velvet cupcake

Part 1 Part 2

I guess I was in a masochistic mood, because I decided that I had to try the S’mores for dessert. The sure sign of death at Boa: It was waitress recommended! Boa’s version of the classic consisted of moist chocolate cake, dulce de leche ice cream (not Haagen-Dazs), marshmallow mush, and a homemade graham cracker cookie. The dulce de leche ice cream did not compliment the dish. Instead of the S’mores being an interesting twist on a childhood favorite, it reminded me of something an old stoner roommate of mine would throw together when he had the munchies. As I was trying another bite of marshmallow to see if it was Marshmallow Fluff ©, I was almost knocked over. Dining Companion had given my boyfriend a hard shove.

"Oh, we were talking about group sex, " Dining Companion explained, putting a hand on my boyfriend’s shoulder.

WTF? Get your hand off my boyfriend bitch, I wanted to say.

"What?" boyfriend asked confused.

Was Dining Companion making a pass at us?

"Are you guys married?" I questioned.

"Yes, we’re newlyweds," Dining Companion said without a clue.

"Then why aren’t you wearing a ring?" I said. Dining Companion looked embarrassed…their game was up.

"I’m the one who is married," said Married Man.

Duh! There was an uncomfortable silence.

"Hey, man, you’ll be into group sex too after being married," Married Man commented

Boyfriend and I laughed at Married Man. He clearly thought that we were laughing with him. Did he think we were into his lurid proposition?

"Trust me!" Married Man yelled, like we didn’t get it the first time. Dumb ass.

Suffice to say we didn’t take them up on their proposal and proceeded to ignore them.

I was wondering how much longer we had to endure this hellish place. Boyfriend read my mind and asked for the check. As the waitress came over to put our check down, boyfriend spilled a glass of water on me. Next he wiped the water on the table into my lap. Yes, I wanted to kill him.

"What are you doing!? You’re getting me more wet!" I said in shock as more water soaked into my pants. The sheer Splendid cotton top I was wearing was now see through.

"What? It’s only water. You aren’t even wet."

"I am too!" My black pants were actually soaking in the water like a sponge.

We looked for the waitress, but she had run away. And no, she didn’t come back with a rag. She was MIA for the rest of the night.

Boyfriend sort of apologized. "You know that’s par for the course with a lefty."

I gave him the evil eye.

"I"ll obviously pay for your dry cleaning."

Uh huh, and a lot more. Why hadn’t they taken the fucking check? Ten minutes had passed.

Boyfriend got our trusty bus boy’s attention, but wasn’t happy as he watched him take his credit card along on his rounds.

"Do you think I should say something to the manager?" he said while we were walking out.

"Definitely."

The twentysomething manager came over and feigned interest in our complaints. Obviously he didn’t listen since his response was, "I don’t know if you’re embarrassed by telling me this, but you don’t have to be."

Was he on mushrooms? I wanted to push him toward the bar and tell him to do a few more shots of Jaegermeister since he was useless. We didn’t even care that he didn’t offer us a gift certificate, because we would’ve ripped it up and flushed it down the toilet. I decided that the next Boa I’d encounter would be in a zoo.