"OMG!! I can't believe I'm 20 but look 25 because of all the drugs I do. Wait... What was I just thinking? I don't do drugs. How fucking cool is it that I'm getting a free birthday party from Life and Style. That rag totally sucks, but whatever. I hate that picture on my cake because I look like Elizabeth Taylor. She's old and ugly now. What am I supposed to be doing? I'm holding a lighter in my hand...to light my cigarette because I already smoked a bowl! No, I can't get photographed smoking a cigarette by Life and Bile. I totally have to puke up this cake after I eat it. Why is Leif Garrett whispering in my ear to light the candle when I'm already doing it? Duh!!"

"I love to exercise, but I have to slow down because my boobs are falling out of my bikini. That bag I'm holding is full of my favorite party favors from Jeremy Piven. I'm kind of paranoid that it will be like Sunday's episode of Entourage where Ari Gold takes a painting off his wall that has a mirror on the other side and then dumps a pile of non-dairy creamer on it. But Jeremy wouldn't do that Lindsay Lohan!! hahahaha...I'm such a comedienne.

"I have no clue who this guy is but he's a good arm rest. I hate when I feel like I'm going to pass out. I should wear a hat because that ozone thingee is gone and that makes the sun hotter. But hats are so dorky. Don't I look like Axl Rose in that last picture? Mary-Kate is going to copy that look--I know it."

"Don't my fake breasts look hot? My bro had to shield his eyes from them because they're kind of popping out right now. I really need to get one of those Brazilian tops with the triangles that just cover your nipples. How cool is my new Pucci cover up with the hoodie to hide from the paparazzi? I wasn't sure about it, but Nicole Richie said I should get it. I love her!!"

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