[Brunch: Leftovers from last night and Chardonnay]

I’ve always been smug about the fact that no one can stalk me, because my schedule is never the same. Last night, I went to Joe’s in Venice on a date. I had surprisingly never been there before, which was a mistake. I ordered the sirloin of beef and watercress salad. The food was amazing. A lot of you would have probably ordered the fish. I never get fish at restaurants unless it’s sushi. (Successful Business Man gets fresh, wild fish and is a fab cook.) I was going back and forth on whether I should have champagne or cabernet sauvignon. I really wanted champagne, but red wine goes better with meat. Champagne went better with the weather. Did I want a champagne or red wine high? There was French champagne from the Loire region that I’d never had before. I decided to go for the unknown. The champagne was golden and had the cutest bubbles. Oh, and besides being aesthetically pleasing, it tasted divine.

I usually hate dill, because it is so overpowering, but the bread with dill was perfect. For dessert, I ate most of the German cake “Parfait”. There were shards of dark chocolate that melted in my mouth, two dabs of homemade caramel and chocolate on the plate, cookies, and, of course the parfait. (I’d give up average sex for great food any day.) We sat in the patio by a groovy water fountain that had vines of magenta Bouganvia. I did manage to embarrass myself. I know you're shocked. When my coffee came, I thought the closed sugar container contained loose sugar (I know that’s not logical) and the top fell in my coffee. No details about my date. Refer to FAQ.

I was dropped off at my door at 9. I rested a bit before embarking on the rest of my evening. It was off to an F-list event-- a comedy night on the Westside. I was going to see my friend perform before we went out. I questioned her beforehand.

“Are the comics good?”

“No.”

“Do you have to hang out with the comics or can we sit together and make fun of them?”

“We can sit together. You can just meet me at Joya.”

“No, I can handle an hour at that place.”

“Cool.”

I sat in my car finishing up a good Thievery Corporation song that was on the radio. Upstairs, I thought I’d stepped into an episode of “Freaks and Geeks” x10. Ommigod, this was so fucking great! I saw my friend, Sam.

“See, I told you,” she said loudly.

“This is classic. I love it! You are the hottest person here times a million.”

“Yeah, I’m like the supermodel of comedy.”

The comics were going on some pumpkin pie rant. It’s really disturbing to listen to the nerdiest looking people I’d ever seen talking graphically about sex and mixing it with one of my favorite foods. It’s just wrong. Honestly, I’m not even an elitist snob. I really like some nerdy people, but these were people whom most nerds wouldn’t hang out with.

Sam and I took off to check out Dennis Quaid and his band at Joya--a C-list event. I wanted to check it out to get some more of Dennis’ persona for a writing project I’m working on. However, I’d decided to swap him out for a younger actor who everyone thinks is hot but also has the rep for being an asshole.

“Well,” said Sam. “Maybe Dennis isn’t a dick anymore. I mean all drugs addicts are dicks, and he’s sober now.”

"He got married again on July 4th," I said.

"No!"

"He was dating a blond model or something."

The line was filled with cheesy people, and they were pulling that all-filled-to-capacity crap. I knew if we waited for five minutes we’d get in, because the list guy hadn’t told us to get in line, but Sam was antsy.

“I should just go do my set, and then we can go to The Improv.”

I was fine with that. We went back to The Revenge of the Nerdiest Nerds Ever. The host of the show came over to us, “This next comic is so fucking funny!”

I gave Sam a look. The comic on stage had been sitting in his seat in a really weird angle. I couldn’t figure out if he had early stages of osteoporosis or what. I didn’t care, but he wasn’t funny at all.

I heard the host say, “I discovered him!”

“I seriously thought that guy was retarded,” said Sam.

Sam went up, was funny and we were off, but wait. Just as we were about to go downstairs the host dragged us back. “Come on, just stay for me.”

The host was this really unattractive short Jew who was a weirdo.

Sam and I went back in. “He really fucking weird, has no act, and he’s not a comic. Oh, but he lives in Malibu on the beach, drives a Lexus and is Jewish! Ha-ha.”

“Great.”

We should have left anyway. This guy’s set was disgustingly graphic. I was going do a parody of his act, but I can’t because it’s too XXX. I was ready to throw-up.

Of course he sprinted across the room again to say goodbye to us.

“Hey, where do you live in Malibu?” I realized that I needed to quickly qualify this. “I mean, I’ve spent a lot of time in Malibu and know it well.”

Sam jumped in, “Tiffany, you’re being soo L.A.”

Sam has only lived here a few years and didn’t get what I was doing.

“Malibu Road. You know where Cher lives?” He answered.

I did, but she technically lives on Pacific Coast Highway. “Um, I know where Adam Sandler and John Cusack live.”

“Right around there.”

“So it’s really your parents’ house, right?” I asked.

“Nope. See, I’m wearing a Rolex and nice shoes,” he said.

His shoes were kind of interesting (in the same way that Prada Boat Shoe Guy’s were *interesting*)

“How do I know your watch is real?”

“See how the second hand sweeps?”

It did.

“Where do you work?”

“Here.”

That meant that he made around $40,000 tops. He must be a Trustafarian.

The thing that people don’t realize about L.A. is that there are a lot of people pretending to have money. Those people lease their luxury cars; acquire a few pairs of nice shoes and a nice watch. They may even lease a really nice house, but they’re also $500,000 dollars in debt.

“So, I make really great salmon!” He said.

I laughed. Maybe that worked on a Valley girl. I only ate wild Alaskan salmon at SBM’s house. 99.9% of salmon is farmed, so it’s not a fish to brag about. Sam and I were so out of there.

The Improv was fun, so I’m not going to write about it except for this:

"LAST COMIC STANDING" GOSSIP: I was told by a non-famous comic who has nothing to do with the show and does not have a manager, that there wasn't really a competition this year. All the finalists already had managers, and their managers got them auditions for the show. I found this article after the fact.

I was discussing "Last Comic Standing" with another comic and said how at first I thought Gary Gulman was funny and cute, but then his comedy got on my nerves because it's so goody-goodie. The comic told me he's good friends with Gary. Ha-ha. He wasn't annoyed or anything.

Tammy Pescetelli (sp?) was there to hang out, as was Anthony Clark. For some reason I’ve met two guys who are good friends with Anthony. I guess he’s the coolest guy friend ever! Jeff Richards was really funny, and I’m seeing him tonight at The Comedy Hotel. If you’re in LA come to the show…

(P.S. I might add more to this post later.)

The Comedy Hotel
Laugh in style

This Thursday, August 26th,

Come out for a sizzling summer night where old friends and new ones laugh in style with the region's funniest headliner comedians and feel the beat of LA’s hottest underground musicians. Show starts a 9 p.m. sharp.

THIS WEEKS COMICS!!!

Jeff Richards- from Saturday Night Live

Tere Joyce - from Last Comic Standing

JORDY FOX

MARIANO RODRIGUEZ

DAVA KRAUSE

STELLA VALENTE

THIS WEEKS' MUSICAL GUEST!!!

ARDEN KAYWIN

Stick around afterwards for more informal red hot laughs and mingling. We’ll be opening up the billiards room to further enjoy good company, our special drinks. A late night menu is also available.

Live music and comedy - $10 admission. Dinner & entertainment packages are also available. There will be wiggle room only, so call today for reservations, (310)226-6236.

Address: Loews Hotel/BH

BLOG DU JOUR:

Just found out via L.A. Blogs that Zach Baraff of "Scrubs" and the inspired film "Garden State" has a blog. I will admit that I have a bit of a crush on Zach now.