I stopped by Trader Joe’s last night for wheat-free crackers, organic sour cream and their yummy yogurt cheese. It was going to be a quick trip, except it never is.

I realized I hadn’t bought Nutella in forever, and the Italian decaffeinated coffee yogurt sounded too good to pass up. I did my New York City walk around the store under the illusion that it would stop me from buying too much. I liked to go to TJ’s at 8:30 (a half hour before closing) because I had limited time to buy stuff and hopefully it was less crowded. There were also attractive men around at that time with regular day jobs.

Last night I kept on running into an attractive older man in a red button down shirt and wavy dark hair. He had Orangina and Pellegrino in his cart.
I approved.

At checkout, I propped up my heavy basket on my thigh. Momentarily the clerk grabbed it from me.

The cute older guy was behind me in line. We were meant to be, except I was going through a shy streak. I was about to look back and smile, but the clerk interrupted me.

“Can I see your ID?” I was always surprised when I was carded.

Caught off-guard, I started babbling, “You know I was carded the other night when I was with my mother. The kid was staring at my license forever. He didn’t think it was me. I know I look young, but I think I look over 21.”

By then the bagger almost had all my groceries taken care of. The young bagger smiled at me, “What kind of diet are you on? Definitely not the South Beach Diet—the North Beach Diet?”

Great the guy was a comedian.

I had vaguely heard of the South Beach diet:

Cigarettes
Water
Vodka
Yoga
Diet Coke
Cocaine
Sex
Dancing

My North Beach Diet:

Sauvignon Blanc
TJ’s Mexicaine Quiche
TJ’s Savory Thin Crackers (wheat-free)
TJ’s Choc Chip Cookie Dough
Organic LF Cottage Cheese
Organic Sour Cream
Hazelnut Nutella Spread
Pumpkin Butter
Italian Coffee Yogurt
Organic Celery
Organic Cut and Peeled Carrots
Caffee Classico Dark Chocolate Gelato
Caffee Classico Tiramisu Gelato
Organic Light Cream Cheese
Smoked/Braided Cappiello Mozzerella

I explained that I shopped at different places. “For example?” asked the clerk.

Fuck me; I didn’t come to TJ’s for the second degree. “Whole Foods.”

“Have you ever done a price comparison?” the clerk inquired. “Do you go to the one in Brentwood?”

Dumb-ass question. “I don’t buy the same things here. I go to The Whole Foods on Wilshire.”

“Oh,” the clerk said, finally getting it. “That store’s really nice. I was trying to figure out a way to keep seeing you here,” he flattered.

Trader Joe's has the most flirtatious clerks. I used to buy flowers whenever I went and never got charged for them.