Breakfast At Tiffany's




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You're so Nice

Part of: Rant , Seinfeld-esque

Breakfast: super florentine omelette sans mushrooms= spinach, goat cheese (instead of cheddar cheese), chicken apple sausage(instead of spicy sausage)onions and coffee from Bread and Porridge.

You know those people who are too nice? Those are the dangerous ones. They’re the ones at work who befriend you for political reasons or because they need fresh blood to gossip about. They’re the ones who are acquaintances who are sickly sweet for no apparent reason. It seems like a lot of these people are overcompensating for the massive amounts of anger and fear that they are in denial about. And often times these people are passive aggressive. Recently I came up with a new addition for the “too nice” category: Too-nice-because-I’m-about-to-have-a-nervous-breakdown. I’m sure I’ve met others in this category, but I’m not a professional therapist so I can’t be certain.

I was staying at my friend’s place in San Diego. My friend, Chris, goes on a lot of business trips, but he also owns and manages the three-unit building that he resides in. Chris had left me a note that new tenants were moving in and wanted me to introduce myself to them that Sunday. I got a slight twinge of trepidation: they were Newlyweds and in their early twenties. People who are from major metropolitan cities who get married under 25 are freaks.

Sunday, for minimum exposure, I introduced myself as I was waiting for Chris’ girlfriend to pick me up for brunch.

There was a lot of large furniture going in the apartment and a set of parents. I relaxed my face so I wouldn’t have my usual enigmatic expression on it. I didn’t want to appear overly friendly either. I settled on my it’s-Sunday-and-I’m-mellow look.

“Hi, I’m Chris’ friend, Tiffany,” I said. Less was more.

The female half of the couple (later I’d learn she was the one with the balls), Jenny, somehow managed to tell me a substantial amount of her and her husband’s mutual and respective life history in 10 minutes. I already hated her. I was also starting to hate myself for actually listening to her monologue for research. I needed to stop that writer excuse just like I had decided not to date people who were “characters” anymore.

Tara showed up, and I pointed her out to Jenny, “That’s Chris’ girlfriend.”

As soon as I said it, I wanted to take it back. Tara came around the apartment a lot, so I was trying to be helpful.

Jenny clapped her hands. What an idiot.

I ran inside to get my forgotten purse. When I came out, the Newlyweds were in the middle of the street talking to Tara in her car. That wasn’t forward or anything. I hopped in just as Tara was finishing the conversation.

“I’m glad we got to talk. I was going to come by later today to introduce myself. Let me give you my cell phone number so you can call me if you have any problems,” Tara said in a way too perky manner. Tara’s downfall was that she was just learning how to be less nice.

I gave Tara a WTF? look, even though she was turned away from me. I couldn’t believe she gave them her phone number and her cell at that. Tara rolled up the window. The Newlyweds were smiling and waving even though we hadn’t started driving off yet. I shuddered and turned to Tara.

“I can’t believe you just did that!”

Tara sighed and twirled her hair. “I hope they don’t use it.”

“Of course they are going to use it,” I said.



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