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I'm Gonna Be A Serial Killer

Part of: Guest Bloggers , Hollywood

Guest blog by BJ Bond

I’ve had enough…I can’t take it any more…I need to take action…

It’s gonna be tough…I’m gonna have to go to the places that I’m afraid to go…to delve into those deepest, darkest recesses of my mind, where the bad man lives….but I’m willing to go…'cos I’m gonna be a serial killer.

Now I’m not gonna be one of those guys who picks off random people in the street, or one of those guys who thinks he’s smarter than everyone else and is trying to prove it…that’s so…nineties…no, I’m gonna get really specific…I’m gonna kill everyone who annoys me in movie theaters.

Y’see, I like the movies, in fact I live the movies…I love to immerse myself in the escapism of ninety minutes of celluloid imagination…and I just can’t get enough…from Disney animation to Romero gorefests, no matter how hard or how soft, when the lights go down and the screen flickers on, I’m gone. I’ve left this world and traveled to a world where everything is possible, where nothing is unachievable and where dreams are reality. And then:

Somebody coughs.
Somebody talks.
Somebody snores.
Somebody’s baby screams and cries incessantly.
Somebody answers their cell phone and proceeds to have a conversation.
Somebody rustles one of those really annoying plastic bags that just grinds on my nerves and makes me want to get up and grab them by the fucking throat and choke the living hell out of them……..

But…I’m getting ahead of myself.

Y’see, the art of going to the movies has been lost…gone are the days when people would view the movie theater as a hallowed place, where respect for your fellow audience members is paramount. Now we’re in the age of couch potato television watching zombies who eat, drink, conduct their business, have conversations and generally lead their lives in front of the cathode ray tube. And they view movie theaters in exactly the same way. They cannot differentiate one experience from the other…to them, the movie screen is simply a larger television and they can behave exactly the same way as they do at home…so they come to the movies and they talk and they chew and they ring and they rustle and they cry…and they really piss me off.

So I figured out how to change things…how to make it all alright…I would have to kill them all one by one in the darkness as the last reel rolls. And when they’re dead, I’d leave my mark…a simple sign around their neck: "Silence is golden". And I would be happy again…I think.



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